I’m a huge fan of BMW M cars – the M3, M5, M6 and even the hairdressy M Coupé. Made with the utmost levels of care and attention, they combine massive amounts of straight line performance with lithe and nimble handling. And although I can certainly appreciate all the engineering that goes into an M car, I could never actually own one thanks to the sort of people that already drive them. Most likely to be spotted sinking pints at The Baron and Slapper on a Friday night, here are the 10 characteristics that make up the “M” Man.

1: Peroxide Frosting: While short and spiky hairdos go with the territory, any “M” Man worth his salt will have his tips “frosted” with peroxide. This is done to bring out the black leather interior of his new M3. Schweet.

2: Oakley Half Jacket® Sunglasses: Just as at home on the Blair Atholl Golf Estate, the “M” Man will seldom be seen without his trusty Oakley shades on. For maximum traffic-light impact lenses must always be bright orange.

3: An over-sized Breitling Chronograph: Bollocks to Tag or Certina, the only watch that turns an “M” Man on is a Breitling. Big, shiny and weighting in at almost one-kilogram, it’s an essential accessory for a slow cruise through Fourways Gardens.

4: Platinum Bracelet: The only piece of jewelery that’s acceptable to an “M” Man is his beloved Platinum bracelet. Must be worn on the left wrist to add some sparkle to rapid flicks of the gearlever.

5: The Clubber’s Guide to Ibiza (Volume one and two): Hardcore driving requires a hardcore soundtrack and to the “M” Man nothing can compete with the latest compilation CD from the Ministry of Sound. Banging bass lines also allow him to show off the power of his optional BMW Individual sound system.

6: Fitted Golf Shirts: Look out for soft pastel colours that accentuate chiseled pectorals.

7: One-handed Driving Position: No matter how twisty the road gets, our “M” Man will never have more than one hand on the steering wheel. This will usually be the right as the left will be changing gears or feeling up the attractive blonde estate agent sitting in the passenger seat.

8: VIP Parking Sticker for Monte Casino: He might only go gambling once or twice a year, but when he does the “M” Man needs to arrive in style.

9: Personalised Plates: Although seldom seen on the car, personalised plates like “TOOCOOL”, “BADBOY” and “M6EXY” are a must for M ownership.

10: Jaw-Bone Bluetooth Headset: To keep the Metro off their backs, “M” Men in older models will use Jaw-Bone Bluetooth modules to converse with business partners and organise illicit meeting with their fake-tanned secretaries.

If you know of any more, please let me know…