Keeping elephants as pets is no longer practical in England. Long gone are the days when King James I kept some in St. James’s Park and allowed them one gallon of wine a day as defense against the English winter. Now there’s a nice brand idea for Carel Nel, who uses pachyderms to stomp his Boplaas grapes.

Meerkats are more practical in Blighty today and The Guardian reports that they have become surprise cult bestsellers with titles such as “When Meerkats Turn Bad; 101 Uses for a Dead Meerkat; Where’s the Meerkat?” flying off bookstore shelves while Big Schalk Burger’s Meerkat wines fly through the supermarket checkout.

Meerkats, all the rage in Maida Vale

Which brings a tear to the eye of the owner of Welbedacht, whose four tame meerkats were katnapped last month, and fingers some possible suspects. For the meerkatnapping coincided with the Swartland Revolution, to which several English wine hacks seem to have been invited, with their tickets paid by local punters as part of the hefty R1750 entrance fee.

Did French peasants pay to storm the Bastille? Did Moore nab the mongoose? Did Goodie grab the grimalkin? If WOSA fly these feline fanciers out for Cape Wine 2012 business class, producers should lock up their pets. The public, scandalously banned from Cape Wine, can look after their own.