Hollywood has the Coen Brothers for entertainment while Stellenbosch has the Slabberts. Stellenbosch Hills cellarmaster PG is the funniest stand-up comedian since Tolla van der Merwe while winemaker Juan has the sleepy bedroom eyes of a young Warren Beatty. Together the pair are the ultimate 1-2 knockout combination for sighted wine guides. Which made the absence of every single pointy-headed Platter pundit at the launch of two Stellenbosch Hills super-premium wines at 96 Winery Road yesterday, a missed opportunity indeed.

Stellenbosch Slabberts

Still one of the assistant editors was there in spirit, expressing “relief at further proof of the shallowness of those who think that one cannot be honest in approaching a wine when one knows what it is – those who believe that pre-judging always trumps actual judgment” in the pages of the Male&Grauniad.

My mind was tuned to Platter as I admired the enormous school-of-Cecil Skotnes linocut by Cameron P which in turn reminded me of a glorious lunch when John and I drank a whole wicker basket full of wine shortly before he sold the eponymous guide to Andrew McDowall and the wheels (and credibility) fell off. That was well over a decade ago and 96 Winery Road hasn’t changed a dot – it remains the bistro of the Winelands with comfort food and snappy service.

This being a sighted tasting, our appreciation of PG’s jokes and Juan’s looks was deep indeed. Which was just as well, as both came thick and fast. The Stellenbosch Hills 1707 Reserve 2009 white is a blend of Chardonnay, Semillion and Viognier all source from the Stellenboschkloof. At R60 this is super-premium for the Age of Austerity (sung to the tune Age of Aquarius from Hair).

The date 1707 commemorates the first time a man called himself an Afrikaner. The occasion was drunk on horseback in the streets of Stellenbosch and Landros Johannes Starrenburg hit the first Afrikaner over the head and told him to keep quiet. Something he and his descendants clearly did not do, thank goodness.

Juan and his 1707

Hastily donning an anorak and plagiarizing musical Tim in the M&G “It’s graceful and delicate, with a soft ripe tension, some complexity to its long-reverberating flavour; good value for R60. An undeniably fine wine – unless you think vinous distinction requires longevity. Viognier is rarely long-lived, and this is unlikely to be an exception; its acidity is just too soft. In a year or two it will start moving downhill, its music growing ever fainter (an oboe, I think), leaving just echoes of the pleasure it gave.”

Except in this case we’re talking more Die Antwoord than Buffet Crampon and this blend will still be belting it out in three years time. If R60 is too expensive, the Stellenbosch Hills Muscat de Hambourg Jerepigo (Muscat Gamburgskiy to Roman Abramovich and Black Muscat to Barak Obama) is a real stoepsit wine with which to read Herman Charles Bosman. Quite fitting really, as HCB was born in Kuils River, within walking distance of the 1ha vineyard on which the grapes grow.

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