Approached by Sarie Kos to be walk-on wine columnist for a special edition of that magazine written by Mans vir Man (in Afrikaans it all sounds so much more masculine than Men) my thoughts turned naturally to zef doppe or beer, wine and brannas for Chavs, in UK parlance. Well the mag has hit the streets and my four pages worth of observations and recommendations are evoking plenty of e-mails. To whet appetites, I’m posting the introduction.

The Dark Heart of Zef: Swartland, ZA

Abbreviating South Africa to “SA” does not work when it comes to wine, as SA expands to South Australia, that antipodean state that is ground zero for Aussie wine and home to such well-known appellations as Coonawarra, Barossa, McLaren Vale, Adelaide Hills, Langhorne Creek and the Clare Valley. Heck, they even have their own Nobel laureate, JM Coetzee. Even if those hardy pioneers of German extraction got their vine cuttings from Groot Constantia in the 19th century according to some sources, when it comes to wine, SA means South Australia.

Alan Pick, prime rib at the Butcher’s Shop & Grill in Sandton, has long argued that Afrique du Sud makes more sense as an address, as it gets you top left facings on the UK supermarket shelf, the promised land for wine exporters and the place to be as exports trounce local consumption, 4:3, even if some producers use local sales to subsidize exports as Mr. Waterfront Wine, Vaughan Johnson, wryly remarks. AdS is above and more liberal than Argentina, and in a much better lexicographic position than Australia. But not as out there as Africa Borwa; but then while white men can’t jump and black men don’t drink wine.

So the solution is to get down and dirty and head for the Z’s with Zuid Africa even more kif than Zimbabwe. Bottom right is the last chance to catch the terminally indecisive shopper, scanning supermarket shelves and ending up with an impulse buy down among the Z’s. And besides, Ernie Els can then put one of those retro ZA stickers on the back of his $300K, 350Km/hr Ferrari Scaglietti that he uses to drive around his Helderberg heaven. Although Stellenbosch skinner sources whisper that Ernie and Wine are not best of friends at the minute.

ZA also has a big zef quotient (and could even stand for “Zef Appellation”) as each famous wine growing region in the Winelands has a chav cousin. Ninja from Die Antwoord, that latter-day nihilistic partnership with wife Yolandi run from a flat in the Garden Centre defines “zef” as the next level on the computer game of life, attainable by stretching and flexing. If Constantia is the toniest wine address, then Durbanville is its zef twin. The place that grows cut-price Sauvignon Blanc grapes for famous Constantia brands like Buiten Blanc and HMS Rattlesnake.

Robertson, on the wrong side of the mountain, is Stellenbosch zef, where the wines are cheaper and pretentions lower, while Bot River is chav Hermanus.

Franschhoek’s chav cousin lives in the Swartland, where grapes from Lammershoek, Kloovenberg and Riebeeks Rivier pop up in all kinds of unexpected places, like poor relations at a society wedding. The grand restaurants of Franschhoek have discount doubles in Riebeek-Kasteel with lithe celebrity chefs like Reuben Riffel at the eponymous Reuben’s, separated at birth from burly Mynhard Joubert at Bar Bar Black Sheep. Kasteelberg Bistro boasts its own French chef Julien Debray while Le Quartier Français has Margot Janse from the Netherlands. Franschhoek may have Café Allée Bleue, but Riebeek’s Café Felix is easier on the tonsils and pocket.

So, tired of fashonista cuvees, head out to Malmesbury to embrace the zeitgeist of zef wine.

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