The Big Beasts of SA wine (listed alphabetically): Danie de Wet, Thys du Toit, Jannie Mouton (great surname for a wannabe wine magnifico), Johann Rupert and Christo Wiese decided to make whoopee, not war, in the Cathedral Cellar behind Paarl station last night. The ostensible reason for the love-in by the Big Five was to bid farewell to outgoing KWV chairman Danie at a slap-up dinner, made all the more memorable by intimations of the cut-price budget allocated for the orgy by incoming chairman Thys.

Thys, Danie and Johann

Thys admitted “we’re naked”, the usual dress code for a Paarl party I’d have thought, but he may have been referring to the unbundling of shares in Distell (competition to KWV) that ended up in the pockets of KWV’s farmer shareholders recently. I wanted to ask Charles Erasmus, my dinner neighbor and CEO of the SA Wine Industries Trust, intimately bundled up in funding the BEE empowerment shareholding of KWV and other exotic affairs. But Chas had departed suddenly, before Thys spoke, straight after Danie told the one about reaching a deal between amorous suitors, with one aroused party then running off to the Madam of the establishment (whose day job is Minister of Agriculture) for a session of special pleading and spanking.

Johann Rupert was lead suitor for the evening and a relieved Thys admitted “Johann was gentle with us” perhaps thinking of those giant hairy female spiders that eat their mates after making love. Johann’s seduction technique was pure Casanova. “Welcome to the club, Jannie” he said “now you’ll find out that an investment that accounts for 2% of your assets will consume 20% of your time” while the 350 000 love-children dependent on the union will be hoping it doesn’t all end in tears.

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